Monday, 29 April 2013

Fully Risk Assessed

'Though you may not realise it, I'm writing this to you in a whisper...while I understand that this translates about as well as movie trailers played on the radio (no, Radio 1, those clips don't enhance interviews), if you are reading this in a noisy place, might I suggest you take yourself off to a more secluded spot in order to feel its full gravitas.

Mu and I have been away for the weekend - WITHOUT MAM AND DAD. Yes, 17 months in and we've finally been allowed out on our own. Well, not technically on our own, we went to stay with Gran and Grandad, who it turns out were health and safety inspectors in former lives as it was, without doubt the safest 48 hours I've ever experienced. The lengths that were gone to, to ensure our upmost safety did, quite frankly, render me speechless. Swings had a minimum height restriction meaning they were barely swung at all, baths had a maximum temperature gauge which meant they were in no way too hot, or in fact warm, and we were back to pureed food as the fear of choking scored too highly on the Pre-Arrival Risk Assessment.

The one source of potential fun was a visit to a small village craft fair, however, Uncle Dom put a stop to any kind of Fun Fair jollity as he informed Grandad that the Swing Carousel (a Carousel with swings instead of horses on it) that myself, Grandad and Mu were queuing for, was far too dangerous for us as he, a man of 22, had been driven to tears during its 2 and 1/2 rotations. The lowest point was when Mu was forced to wear a Tea Cosy, purchased from a nearby craft stall, as a hat, as the spring breeze was deemed too strong for her, I lost all ability to speak when her ears started to poke out of the holes meant for tea pot handles and spouts, interestingly, no one answered Mam when she questioned why Mu kept touching her ears upon our return.

My speechless audacity was soon cured when we returned home, Grandad, worried that my Roar had fallen out at his house, pointed out my lack of chat, Mam's answer was to bash my head on the sofa til an utterance was heard, during which I started to wish for a Tea Cosy of my own...

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