Thursday, 14 September 2017

I Don't Understand the Question?

There's been running theme in our house over the summer holidays. That of asking questions which have no answer. By that I don't just mean that there is literally no answer to give (although that has been the predominant reason they have gone unanswered), but questions that just haven't been given an answer - there is an answer but one has never, to this day, been thrown out there.

So, in light of this, here are my Top 20 unanswered questions of life and love and why (mainly why...)

20. "Mam, how much are penguins?"
19. "Why isn't Roo on the naughty mat?"
18. "Why are you on the naughty mat?"
17. "Where are all the hair bobbles?"
16. "Where is Lightning McQueen?"
15. "Where is Dad?"
14. "Why is (insert childs name here) making that noise?"
13. "What sort of poo is it?"
12. "Why are you still sat on the toilet?"
11."Why aren't mermaids real?"
10. "Mam, are you having another baby?"
9. "Are you (this 19 year olds) mother?"
8. "Isn't that (Mam's) (32 year old) daughter?"
7. "Why is it wet here?"
6. "Why have you (taken/hit/broken/thrown/kicked/rolled/spat) (it/her/those/again/him/under/that distance) - (in any combination you fancy)
5. "Why isn't he wearing trousers?"
4. "Why is he wearing her trousers?"
3. "Why haven't you got any knickers on?"
1."Why is there poo on the utility room floor?" (Although one feels this should really sit at Number 2...)

Thursday, 11 May 2017


Recently Mam received a gift - well, I say recently, it was for Mother's Day, but she used this gift recently which for her is pretty impressive. Anyway, she got this gift -she was given 2 tickets for a massive wash - which I found odd as I consider ablutions a necessity rather than an activity but still.

Now, allow me to digress for a moment and just correct your thinking here, this was not, as I thought, (and I think Mam hoped) 2 tickets for Mam to go twice, she had to take Dad. Yes, Dads like to wash too it seems.

So she received 2 tickets and was told to 'Hold on for Easter!" (with a grin) as, shortly after Mother's Day, Easter arrived and she was given 2 tickets for Afternoon Tea post wash (again, I draw your attention to my previous digression - she was only ever getting 1 AFTERNOON TEA and she did hide that disappointment well). This also made Dad's repeated shouting of "Don't get ME anything for Easter!" (accompanied by the same grin) more understandable...

So Mam and Dad went to the spa. I had no concept of what the spa was but thankfully neither did Mu and so she threw out the question to Mam, and it went like this...

Mu: where you going Mam?
Mam: to the spa darling!!!
Mu: will you get me a treat, maybe...a magazine?!?!? (cheeky grin)
Mam: no, A spa not THE Spar?
Mu: is it still a shop?
Mam: no, it's a lovely relaxing place
Mu: what will you do there?
Mam: well, just relax a bit
Mu: why?
Mam: erm, cos sometimes Mam's need to just sit quietly
Mu: for how long?
Mam: oh just the afternoon
Mu: THE WHOLE AFTERNOON? won't you get bored just sitting?
Mam: oh well there's things to do
Mu: like what?
Mam: well, I might sit in the sauna
Mu: What's that...
Mam: it's a very hot room
Mu: then what will you do?
Mam: erm, maybe sit in the Steam Room
Mu: What's that...
Mam: a very hot, very wet room
Mu: is that it?
Mam: no, then I might sit in the hot tub
Mu: Sometimes when I get too hot I get REALLY swea-i, like ma hair is just SOOOOOAKIN!
Mam: yeah?
Mu: will you be swea-i?
Mam: well..erm..yes...a bit
Mu: what's a hot tub?
Mam: oh, it's like a big....bath
Mu: oh well, you'll be fine if your swea-i then
Mam: yeah, i guess so...
Mu: is that all there is to do?
Mam: well, some people get a facial, but I won't be
Mu: what's that?
Mam: it's where you lay down in a peaceful room, with lovely music and a lady comes and...well...rubs your face...
Mu: Rubs, mam? Rubs? Rubs your FACE?!?!?!?!
Mam: ...yeah...

At this point Dad came in...

Mu: Dad, are you going with Mam to the spa?
Dad: yes
Mu: well, Mam's going for little relax, she'll be really sweat-i and you will be too but don't worry cos there's massive bath and a lady might rub your face but that's oookkkaay it's supposed to happen...oh, there's nothing to buy there...

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Stand Off

Following on from last months blog it seems battles lines have well and truly been drawn in the house (for a moment this opening had the ring of a n early 2000 Big Brother episode minus Davina). Mam is on the war path and this is a path well worn.

You'd think that as this was not the first time Mam has donned her armour and thrown herself over the top (the latter she's been doing since the age of 2 and a half), she would have a distinct advantage over her newest daily adversary, however, Mam has found herself on the back foot for 2 reasons...

1) This opponent has tactics never before used in warfare thus far...
2) He's REALLY strong...

Now while I realise Mam has a reputation to protect, one of high wit, excessive stubbornness and fox like cunning, not to mention her 'Ice Queen' persona (which has been likened to kicking a puppy and not caring*), however, questions have started to arise as to whether this time...she's beat.

Ru's persistance in refusing to take part in ANY ACTIVITY in which he does not want to have resulted in a literal stand off between the 2 sides. He's also started to couple his part of the stand off (more of a lay-off) with the words "I won't".

What started out as him registering his protest at a nappy change has become all out combat if it doesn't involve football, Thomas the Tank or a room/location which, although 28 seconds earlier he was happy in, now does not meet his taste (whatever that is...)

Last week he changed his mind on the walk to church "No bring push chair, Mammy" with just 100 yards to go. Mam dug her heels in and refused to carry him the last few strides - mainly because he has started to state his position with 1000 yards to go, and Mam was feeling in the zone at that point (and she quite literally cannot carry him anymore). Anyway, 100 yards from the door of church, having screamed like someone off The Walking Dead down most of the street, he lifted up his legs and did that thing where he won't stand up and thus swings in mid air while Mam holds him up by one arm.

Like I say, Mam was on her game and so placed him on the floor and began to walk (very slowly, for all you Social Workers out there) away.

Ru anticipated this and curled up, as if in his bed and started to suck his thumb and close his eyes.

Mam, still convinced her 2012 tactics would work even though she'd never really been faced with a 2 year old attempting to sleep on the pavement, stopped. Which left Mu and Karoo prancing about in no-mans-land (dressed appropriately in high heels and tutus).

There was a brief moment where nothing really happened and then a passing dog began licking the 'sleeping' Ru. And everyone, including those looking out of their windows at what they believed to be a 'murder' taking place in the street, weighed up who could really count this situation as a 'win',

He's 23 months old with the intellect of Stephen Hawking and the strength of a 7 limbed Ultimate Warrior.

* All puppies mentioned are fictional and any likeness to incidents involving puppies either living or dead is entirely coincidental...particularly puppies included in the latter.