Thursday, 11 May 2017

Chill-axing

Recently Mam received a gift - well, I say recently, it was for Mother's Day, but she used this gift recently which for her is pretty impressive. Anyway, she got this gift -she was given 2 tickets for a massive wash - which I found odd as I consider ablutions a necessity rather than an activity but still.

Now, allow me to digress for a moment and just correct your thinking here, this was not, as I thought, (and I think Mam hoped) 2 tickets for Mam to go twice, she had to take Dad. Yes, Dads like to wash too it seems.

So she received 2 tickets and was told to 'Hold on for Easter!" (with a grin) as, shortly after Mother's Day, Easter arrived and she was given 2 tickets for Afternoon Tea post wash (again, I draw your attention to my previous digression - she was only ever getting 1 AFTERNOON TEA and she did hide that disappointment well). This also made Dad's repeated shouting of "Don't get ME anything for Easter!" (accompanied by the same grin) more understandable...

So Mam and Dad went to the spa. I had no concept of what the spa was but thankfully neither did Mu and so she threw out the question to Mam, and it went like this...

Mu: where you going Mam?
Mam: to the spa darling!!!
Mu: will you get me a treat, maybe...a magazine?!?!? (cheeky grin)
Mam: no, A spa not THE Spar?
Mu: is it still a shop?
Mam: no, it's a lovely relaxing place
Mu: what will you do there?
Mam: well, just relax a bit
Mu: why?
Mam: erm, cos sometimes Mam's need to just sit quietly
Mu: for how long?
Mam: oh just the afternoon
Mu: THE WHOLE AFTERNOON? won't you get bored just sitting?
Mam: oh well there's things to do
Mu: like what?
Mam: well, I might sit in the sauna
Mu: What's that...
Mam: it's a very hot room
Mu: then what will you do?
Mam: erm, maybe sit in the Steam Room
Mu: What's that...
Mam: a very hot, very wet room
Mu: is that it?
Mam: no, then I might sit in the hot tub
Mu: Sometimes when I get too hot I get REALLY swea-i, like ma hair is just SOOOOOAKIN!
Mam: yeah?
Mu: will you be swea-i?
Mam: well..erm..yes...a bit
Mu: what's a hot tub?
Mam: oh, it's like a big....bath
Mu: oh well, you'll be fine if your swea-i then
Mam: yeah, i guess so...
Mu: is that all there is to do?
Mam: well, some people get a facial, but I won't be
Mu: what's that?
Mam: it's where you lay down in a peaceful room, with lovely music and a lady comes and...well...rubs your face...
Mu: Rubs, mam? Rubs? Rubs your FACE?!?!?!?!
Mam: ...yeah...

At this point Dad came in...

Mu: Dad, are you going with Mam to the spa?
Dad: yes
Mu: well, Mam's going for little relax, she'll be really sweat-i and you will be too but don't worry cos there's massive bath and a lady might rub your face but that's oookkkaay it's supposed to happen...oh, there's nothing to buy there...





Thursday, 16 March 2017

Stand Off

Following on from last months blog it seems battles lines have well and truly been drawn in the house (for a moment this opening had the ring of a n early 2000 Big Brother episode minus Davina). Mam is on the war path and this is a path well worn.

You'd think that as this was not the first time Mam has donned her armour and thrown herself over the top (the latter she's been doing since the age of 2 and a half), she would have a distinct advantage over her newest daily adversary, however, Mam has found herself on the back foot for 2 reasons...

1) This opponent has tactics never before used in warfare thus far...
2) He's REALLY strong...

Now while I realise Mam has a reputation to protect, one of high wit, excessive stubbornness and fox like cunning, not to mention her 'Ice Queen' persona (which has been likened to kicking a puppy and not caring*), however, questions have started to arise as to whether this time...she's beat.

Ru's persistance in refusing to take part in ANY ACTIVITY in which he does not want to have resulted in a literal stand off between the 2 sides. He's also started to couple his part of the stand off (more of a lay-off) with the words "I won't".

What started out as him registering his protest at a nappy change has become all out combat if it doesn't involve football, Thomas the Tank or a room/location which, although 28 seconds earlier he was happy in, now does not meet his taste (whatever that is...)

Last week he changed his mind on the walk to church "No bring push chair, Mammy" with just 100 yards to go. Mam dug her heels in and refused to carry him the last few strides - mainly because he has started to state his position with 1000 yards to go, and Mam was feeling in the zone at that point (and she quite literally cannot carry him anymore). Anyway, 100 yards from the door of church, having screamed like someone off The Walking Dead down most of the street, he lifted up his legs and did that thing where he won't stand up and thus swings in mid air while Mam holds him up by one arm.

Like I say, Mam was on her game and so placed him on the floor and began to walk (very slowly, for all you Social Workers out there) away.

Ru anticipated this and curled up, as if in his bed and started to suck his thumb and close his eyes.

Mam, still convinced her 2012 tactics would work even though she'd never really been faced with a 2 year old attempting to sleep on the pavement, stopped. Which left Mu and Karoo prancing about in no-mans-land (dressed appropriately in high heels and tutus).

There was a brief moment where nothing really happened and then a passing dog began licking the 'sleeping' Ru. And everyone, including those looking out of their windows at what they believed to be a 'murder' taking place in the street, weighed up who could really count this situation as a 'win',

He's 23 months old with the intellect of Stephen Hawking and the strength of a 7 limbed Ultimate Warrior.


* All puppies mentioned are fictional and any likeness to incidents involving puppies either living or dead is entirely coincidental...particularly puppies included in the latter.

Friday, 17 February 2017

iApple

It seems that the children of the pride are now very much of the i-generation. Mu came home from school the other day and informed us all she'd spend her Friday 'Golden Time' on the iPods. When Mam asked what did she do on them she replied "just iPod stuff". Dad then questioned whether it was an iPod or iPad (trying to stay down with the kids) but Mu insisted that it was the pod - despite Dad's protests that "if you can play games on it and take photos it's an I P A D".

As it goes, my experience of children generally is that they are ALL born the i-generation, regardless of what era you're birth day is - and parents (and favourite toys) spend the first 5 years of their lives trying to make them the Others-Generation so they aren't known as "that-kid-who-can't-share" when they reach school.

This point was proved the other day in church, allow me to set the scene...

...As you may or may not be aware we all attend church on a Sunday evening (as well as the morning but that's by the by). Half of the pride attend in their pyjamas and, more recently, slippers and dressing gowns, I'll let you imagine which members this applies to. Mam also packs a picnic for the pyjama wearing half of the clan for during the sermon, to keep them quite(r) and still(er).

Last Sunday this happened...

Mam (in full, heartfelt voice): Be thou my vision o...
Roo: Mam. Apple
Mam (in hushed whisper): You need to talk quieter, darling...Thou my best thought in the...
Roo (at the same volume but with the intonation of someone who is talking in a whisper) : Mam. Apple
Mam (in hushed whisper): That's not how you ask...Waking or sleeping thy..
Roo (normal volume) Mam. Apple. Pleeeeeeese (punctuated with a cheeky grin)
Mam: I don't have one darling...Be thou my wisdom, be...
Roo: MAM. APPLE. PLEEEEEEESE (no cheeky grin)
Mam: Roo, I don't have any apples with me, we'll have a cracker in a minute...Thou my great father and...
Roo: NO, mammy! Apple. APPLE.
Mam: No Roo, we'll have a cracker in a minute...and I with thee one...
Roo: APPLE APPLE APPLE
Mam: have the cracker now...Be thou my breast plate, my...


Roo: Mammy, cracker gone, HURRAY ROO (thows his arms in the air in celebration) Apple pleeeeeease
Mam: (still whispering) there are none...Thou and thou...
Roo: APPLE
Mam: we'll have a chocolate sandwich in a minute...Still be thou my...
Roo: APP...
Mam: Have the chocolate sandwich...ruler of all.

Roo: Mammy, no sankyou (deposits crust of chocolate sandwich in her hand, minus the chocolate spread which he's licked off the bread) Apple please!
Mam: no, we'll have something in a minute
Roo: NO SANKYOU, APPLE

Now the music had finished there was the sound of rustling and shuffling from every seat behind us (we were sat on the front row) as an entire congregation rooted round their handbags in the hope of a stray apple they could roll down the aisle towards us.

Mam: (still whispering) How about an orange?
Roo: ummhhmmm

The sermon begins, and what is perhaps, the most quiet part of church is happening. Mu and Karoo also start munching but, sensing the tone in Mam's hushed whispers just take what they are given.

Roo: Mammy, orange
Mam: (whispering) here...
Roo: Orange
Mam: this is orange
Roo: NO MAMMY ORANGE
Mam: sshhhhh, this one?
Roo: No, orange
Mam: This one?
ROo: no, orange
Mam: this one?
Roo: no, orange
Mam: this one?
Roo: no, ORANGE!
Mam: those were all pieces of orange...I don't have any more orange?
Roo: Apple
Mam: (at this point her face tensed like it'd been hit with an unexpected shot of botox, and, still whispering but now through gritted teeth) I  d o n ' t  h a v e  a n  a p p l e
Roo: APPLE APPLE APPLE APPLE AAAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH
As he shouted this (the last part something Mam was wishing she was shouting) he began to rock the push chair which he'd been strapped to from side to side making the wheels alternatively leave the floor. The preacher is carrying on as if nothing is happening and the handbag rustling has hit a frantic pace, with some people now actually getting onto the floor in order access the inner compartments better.

At this Mam decides enough is enough as it's time to make an extraction.

Easier said then done when a raging toddler is lashed to a 3 wheeled pushchair.

In the end she managed to get the clips unclipped and drag - that is the only word I can use, and in fact, the only method she could use - Roo out of the pushchair leaving a trail of crackers, bread crumbs and orange segments as she stuffed him under her arm and left the room. 2 closed doors and a sound proof wall away, he maintained his stand. We heard it.

And that was the end of the matter - well, for those of us that could handle Mam's serious failure to be packing a Breburn.