Monday, 29 April 2013

Fully Risk Assessed

'Though you may not realise it, I'm writing this to you in a whisper...while I understand that this translates about as well as movie trailers played on the radio (no, Radio 1, those clips don't enhance interviews), if you are reading this in a noisy place, might I suggest you take yourself off to a more secluded spot in order to feel its full gravitas.

Mu and I have been away for the weekend - WITHOUT MAM AND DAD. Yes, 17 months in and we've finally been allowed out on our own. Well, not technically on our own, we went to stay with Gran and Grandad, who it turns out were health and safety inspectors in former lives as it was, without doubt the safest 48 hours I've ever experienced. The lengths that were gone to, to ensure our upmost safety did, quite frankly, render me speechless. Swings had a minimum height restriction meaning they were barely swung at all, baths had a maximum temperature gauge which meant they were in no way too hot, or in fact warm, and we were back to pureed food as the fear of choking scored too highly on the Pre-Arrival Risk Assessment.

The one source of potential fun was a visit to a small village craft fair, however, Uncle Dom put a stop to any kind of Fun Fair jollity as he informed Grandad that the Swing Carousel (a Carousel with swings instead of horses on it) that myself, Grandad and Mu were queuing for, was far too dangerous for us as he, a man of 22, had been driven to tears during its 2 and 1/2 rotations. The lowest point was when Mu was forced to wear a Tea Cosy, purchased from a nearby craft stall, as a hat, as the spring breeze was deemed too strong for her, I lost all ability to speak when her ears started to poke out of the holes meant for tea pot handles and spouts, interestingly, no one answered Mam when she questioned why Mu kept touching her ears upon our return.

My speechless audacity was soon cured when we returned home, Grandad, worried that my Roar had fallen out at his house, pointed out my lack of chat, Mam's answer was to bash my head on the sofa til an utterance was heard, during which I started to wish for a Tea Cosy of my own...

Monday, 22 April 2013

War, huh, yeah...

Today, I have seriously considered chewing off my own ears...

...or at the very least getting Mu's Giant Bean Bag Penguin to temporarily un-sitch them (although he is without an official name, we call him Cath Kidston...not to his face...the word Giant didn't just slip into the above sentence).

Between Mu's constant cries, refusal to use her legs & incessant drilling from the visiting electrician (we do now have a working cooker, but now no lights upstairs...) I found myself wishing, at one point during the day, I hadn't been quite so rash in calling The Last Battle, The Last Battle and hoping no one picks me up for false advertising.

Monday, 15 April 2013

Another Extreme Sports Day

So Mu has discovered a new game, let me paint the scene for you...

Mam and Dad have a scatter-back-cushion sofa. (For those not familiar, and to those whom a cushion is a waste of time, I suggest you check out DFS or some other good furniture store for a definitive definition of what this is.) Mu's new game is to demand the 5 cushions that form the scatter-back to be taken off the sofa and thrown onto the floor. She then stands at the other side of the living room and, grinning, runs towards the cushions until they trip her up and she is flung air-ward and lands on them (the woman is fearless, she also attempts this at playgrounds, swimming pool changing rooms and whenever there is a cast iron fence nearby.) Anyway, she, Mam and Dad think this is hilarious, Dad has also been known to cast himself skyward dragging Mu with him. Nothing to write home about thus far you may think, and I will confess to having enjoyed the entertainment factor of this activity, in a way, rather like watching Britain's Got Talent - you don't want to watch, but you can't not look...however...

Cue the immortal words of Mam during tonights WWE Royal Rumble...

"Ooo, Mu, do you think Aslan would like a turn?"

When once I thought there was nothing worse than the regular Aqua Zorbing Class she insists I attend, this Wrestlemania had me crying out for the sting of water and Persil running into my eyes. You've never known fear until you've been dragged at great force by a toddler, who then hurls themselves into the air, with no evidence in their life so far that they have any sense of direction or any guarantee they'll still be holding your built-in hoops when they land.

It's also got me googling WWE Wrestlers as, should this become a regular, post-tea occurrence, I'm way out of my depth when it comes to a costume or a Wrestling Name...

In answer to your question, Mam "NO! Aslan would not like a turn...who would?"

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

All Bets Frozen...

We have now entered the "Home Straight" with only 8-10 weeks left until Mu's brother or sister arrives, and talk in the Toy Tub has turned from odds on a boy or a girl (all initial protests as to the appropriateness of Big Ted running a book on this have now been laid to rest as most have now had a flutter), to who will be the newest recruit to join the ranks. Obviously a new baby means a new position of Favourite Toy has been created and Toy Tub Talk seems to be going along the lines of a Pre-Baby-Arrival appointment, meaning it will be a none gender specific toy.

For me it means a counter-part, someone who will understand the pressures of the role, which is limited for the other toys with whom I work. Yes, they are most sympathetic to the nature of the job, yes they have flinched as they have seen the result of teething and amateur push chair driving, but none can really truly understand unless one has actual experience of the job itself.

While it's safe to say I was appointed to the role as a novice, with Mam & Dad taking a chance on a new lion with no formal experience in the allotted role, interview feedback did state that they saw real potential in me during the process of appointment. But despite this I can't help but feel, as I remember back to my day of purchase, that it was a rather fraught affair, far too close to Christmas, in an over-crowed Metro Centre, with Mam attempting her first public feed (feed of Mu, not of herself) and Dad all too carried away with being allowed out of the house for the first time in 2 weeks. Which leads me to wonder whether their decision was a hasty - albeit correct - one? Thus letting me conclude that, were I to be consulted in the matter of my fellow Favourite Toy's appointment, I would like someone with some previous experience as well as an empathetic ear. Yet, I fear I will not be part of the process as seemingly it will fall to Dad, who's drafted in Mu as his assistant, to pick the person for the role. Coupling my knowledge of how giddy he gets at this sort of thing with Mu's current obsession with spiders & dogs, I can only imagine what they will return with for the unsuspecting sibling.

It is with this in mind I have drafted the following Job Specification should Dad wish to be rational about this. I am aware that my name did have A LOT to do with the decision to give me the job, as Mam had insisted throughout her pregnancy with Mu that Aslan Tumnus Oliver was a suitable name for a child. Thankfully she hasn't expressed any such naming horrors this time around, mainly as she's been pre-occupied with Big Macs...

Child's Favourite Toy

  • Previous experience essential - but not to the extent that parts of you are falling off and could be eaten.
  • Empathetic Ear - therefore must be an animal that has actual ears.
  • Ability to work as part of a growing team -  as to how big this team may grow is TBC, Mam has been spotted watcthing "16 Kids & Counting" but unsure as to her conclusion of this programme.
  • Ability to rationalise the un-rational - This, I feel, is self explanatory.
  • Securely fastened hook - Push Chair Driving remains at novice level, especially as the introduction of a double push chair is being brought into the mix.
  • Washable - because, in no way will Mam adhere to your labels instructions to "Surface wipe with a damp cloth only".