Monday 27 May 2013

The Week That Was

You'll all be pleased to hear that I am over the trauma of last week's real life nightmare. Although it must be said that I did spend the 3 days following, convalescing in the cot, thankful that Mu was able to be entertained by terrorising insects in the garden. I've declined the offer of counselling from Mickey Mouse.

In other news, Mam has now officially gone mad. Hormones have clearly got the better of her and she doesn't seem to even mind this fact. She has spent the last week cooking anything in sight and freezing it like a woman preparing for Nuclear War. Mu is having daily lessons in how to look after her Dollies in the hope that this will prep her for the immanent arrival of Baby number 2 and she topped off the week by, today, shaving a large patch of hair off the back of Dad's head...that'll teach him to ask a fat, hormonal woman to assist him in a hair cut.

Dad has spent most of the day mourning the loss of approximately 1 and 1/2 inches of hair, which although one might consider a small amount of hair loss for a man of 30, is apparently an issue. Seems Mickey's pastoral skills have been called upon to prevent a period of convalescing to rival my own. Mam's excuse for the hair incident of

"I was thinking about something else..." 

and her statement trying to make it seem sightly less worse than it actually was of

"Well, you did ask me to make sure there was no silly 'Rats Tail' style mullet..." 

did nothing to sooth his pain or stop him feeling the need to constantly stroke the back of his head. She is prepared to accept full responsibility for the fact that Dad does now look like a cancer victim as the only solution was to shave his whole head again to a number 1. This decision mainly due to the assessment of Mam being able to 'grade in the shaved patch", falling to a similar level of that of a blind hairdresser. Thank goodness I naturally moult...




Monday 20 May 2013

2nd Star to the Left, & Straight on til Morning

I write this whilst still shaking from the trauma of what befell me today. What was once just the paranoid insanity of a New Mother turned into real life in just moments. It was like a real episode of 999 only without the knowledge we all had when watching, that it obviously all turned out ok in the end. I can't really tell you how it happened, it was all so quick, and the moments that followed were filled with my life flashing before me, which, as chronicled in 7 books to date, took quite a while...What had started out as an ordinary day trip to Toddlers turned into an ugly nightmare no one could have predicted, what follows is an account, built up from the testimonies of those present, of what happened...

After leaving the Toddler group, Mam lay Mu down in the pushchair in an attempt to get her to have an extra nap. I, strapped to the pushchair by my built in hook was next to Mu. Dad, being a man of many tasks was still helping to clear up the toys, assist mums to their cars, transport signs & adhere to the school "signing in policy" (the toddlers is run in a school nursery) meaning our journey home, approximately 500 yards, involved an excessive amount of to-ing & fro-ing. It's unclear at what point our usual fun filled afternoon took a turn for the worse, neither Mam nor Dad can recall the moment itself & asking Mu only resulted in a 4 minute babble, with lots of pointing & gesturing, to which we can't really be sure if she was talking about the same thing or not...however, what we do know is that I found myself in a position that you train & train for but always hope you'll never have to draw upon...with a rush of wind through my ribbon mane & a 2 & 1/2 turn double axle somersault I found myself face down on the pavement...yes my friends, I was A LOST TOY.

I'll let you drink in that last sentence for a moment. The reality of what this meant took a while to sink in with me as I lay there, gravel between my teeth, trying to maintain my stitched on smile while the panic welled up inside...however, as I was there contemplating whether on not my new status as lost would lead me to join a group of children who refuse to grow up, or a clan if 80s vampires, I found myself being lifted to the heavens and suddenly in the hands of Dad...

In desperate need of a paper bag, & "a clean pair of shorts", I heard the distant tones of a small boy state "Ere, ya baby's dropped its toy..." it was like the sweet melody of Elgars Cello Concerto and I was, with great thanks, clipped back onto the pushchair, my paws gripping the biscuit & banana encrusted straps like a hamster does your finger with its teeth.

The whole incident left me bereft of words & shaking so my built in Roar was constant...on reflection, the trauma of being lost did start to fade & as I reflected on the whole thing to Dolly upon my return, the most traumatizing thing was THAT NO ONE NOTICED I'D GONE...

Monday 13 May 2013

A Bleachier Shade of Pale

So the "24 hour bug" that struck our house last week turned out to be a "5 day bug extravaganza". Why I continue to consult Mam on her medical opinion when she's clearly bonkers & practicing without a licence is beyond me. Still, it's all good now & contrary to my  initial Scouse inclined feelings on my state of health, I did not, in fact, die.

So we have entered a new week all freshly bleached & ready to go. Go where however is the question...due to the local SureStart Centre closing last week & living in an area where there are a total if 0 parks, community centres, or libraries & the nearest location that sports one of these, seemingly luxury facilities, being 2 bus rides away, fleecing you for £4.80, we shall in fact, be going no where. Thank goodness Mam is a trained youth worker,otherwise I might never be able to experience a 1 year old let lose with paint - there was no need for brushes as I was to hand, or experience Toddler Baking (this is not where we bake actual toddlers for any Social Workers reading this), or being fully immersed in Wet Play ( which after last week's nappies, took on a whole knew meaning, let me tell you...)

There are elements of a new job that are always a surprise, tasks that no one thought to mention at interview, even "evolving roles & responsibilities" which were not outlined in the advert or subsequent job description. There are other elements no one mentions for a reason...

When I say this, some would assume that I might be keen to advise the new baby's Favourite Toy when they are appointed, exactly what to expect...my response to that...HA! A lion needs some light hearted relief whilst being simultaneously blind sided with vomit,poo & anti bacterial spray...

Monday 6 May 2013

24 hours

Today started with an early morning Aqua Zorb, followed by hangin' out in the sunshine (mainly on the washing line...) due to an even earlier morning vomit related incident from Mu. Things went down hill after that, however, as I have spent most of the rest of the day with my head in the toilet whilst Mam 'mists' my brow with Anti-Bacterial spray...

Am told it's one of those 24 hour things...am not sure I'll last that long...